i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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