when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I have post one night stand depression
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
