Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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