FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i drank out of a bidet.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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