My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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