i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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