just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
