Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
