So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
