someone owes me an orgasm
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize