The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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