a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
