just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
