He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
