pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize