I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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