You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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