Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
