He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
