You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
