and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
