Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
