Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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