i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize