I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
