I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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