Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
