is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
