Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
