I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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