Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
