Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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