I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
