Cold hands, warm shart.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
