Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
