No stitches, just platelets and will power
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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