Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
