yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
