cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize