You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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