cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
