Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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