a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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