you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
