I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
