I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
