i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
