All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
