I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
