woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
