I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
