the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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