I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
