They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My dick has a subreddit
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
