your parents love me but you hate me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
