I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I want to have your abortion
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
