How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
