I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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