He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
