I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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