it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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