I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
