Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
